I used to think that I understood that life was not something I could control. Then, not too many months ago, I learned that I only talked the talk. I was trying to manage people and events in my life in ways that made my life (oh, yeah, here comes the quote, you twelve-steppers know I'm just yanking it right out of the literature) totally unmanageable.
Many years ago, in my twenties, I was involved with an alcoholic. When I say that he made me crazy in ways I could only imagine, what I really mean is that I allowed his behaviors to trigger behaviors in me that were completely not OK. I'd always had a temper -- in that relationship I discovered whole new levels of pain and rage. My life was a shambles, almost lost before it was lived. Some wonderful person pointed me in the direction of al-anon, and for a time it saved me, but when I rid myself of my alcoholic, I thought I had also rid myself of my codependency. I didn't feel bad anymore, but I didn't understand that my problems had not gone away, just my trigger.
When I shed the alcoholic from my life more than 20 years ago, I simply replaced him with nicer people for a while. But I didn't keep walking the walk. And so my walk became one of only words, without true understanding of the nature of my codependent, sick behaviors. Until recently. I think the development was gradual, but as inevitable in its own way as the erosion of the land where the river rushes through. Choices I made, relationships I sought, led me to where I am today. Where I am learning to walk it instead of talk it.
Its easy when you are in a relationship, living with a partner, to decide that all the things that make you feel bad or uncomfortable are because of the other person. You easily identify the behaviors of your partner that you do not like. It is easy to justify to yourself "I do xyz because HE did abc." You know that you would be happier if only that person were not longer doing or saying the things that make you unhappy.
When you are alone at the end of a relationship, sometimes you find that things you assumed were the other person's fault were really things that YOU own. Even the things that you attribute to the other person are often simply your own failure to set and keep healthy boundaries for yourself. But when you're on your own, no longer have another person to point the finger at when you are having a bad day or a bad moment. And if you look for the source of the problem, there's a very high probability that you will find it WITHIN YOURSELF. I am finding this true. It is not fun. But it is good.
