1. Put the kids to bed early later than usual at midnight.
2. Have your last glass of wine no later than 7 pm right before bed.
3. Make your bed your personal space, only for sleeping Eat in bed, read in bed, drink in bed, watch movies and talk on the phone.
4. Eliminate unnecessary noises Let three large dogs (combined total weight of 215 pounds) sleep with you. Or rather, wrestle, lick themselves, snore, fart and shed while laying on your bed.
5. Meditate quietly with your eyes closed Periodically threaten your children with death when they are still whispering and talking across the hall at two am.
6. Its best to sleep on your back on your left side, then your right side, then your left side, then your back, then your right side. Rotate every half hour.
7. Train your body to sleep through the need to go potty get up every half hour (or when you change positions) to pee.
8. Television should never be watched in bed left on all night so the flickering lights and the muted sound make you think there's someone else in your room.
9. Leave your bedroom door closed open so the cats can come in periodically and taunt the new dog. Then close it in the middle of the night so that they get mad at you and start clawing at the handle.
10. Get a pet sitter and a babysitter and get a hotel room.
Tonight? I'm going with option #10. See you in Portland Charles & Julie! You don't care if I just sleep the whole time, right?
