I think many of us feel as if we are fragmented. Mothers, employees, daughters, sisters, wives, friends, parents,k lovers, bosses. Then there are the other shades of fragmentation, the things that makes us even more unique.
I've always envied people who knew their life's path, who knew exactly what they wanted to be in life. Those who put a plan in place from a young age to follow a particular course of study or apprenticeship to become dentists, accountants, pilots, astronauts. I look at those people and I try to puzzle out how they knew. When did that one direction become clear to them, and how did it feel to be able to focus on the goal?
And what about those of us who never figured it out? Who still haven't figured it out? What is the mechanism that makes us different?
Sometimes I feel as if I'm only partly anything. I only commit to an idea so far, but there's a limit and once reached, I automatically withdraw. I'd love to be a hippie, a free spirit. I'll wear birkenstocks and even a flowing skirt or tie die...but the next week I'm in a suit or a business dress, or jeans and boots. My persona changes constantly, sometimes several times in a day. I'm so many things, but only up to a point: athlete; gamer; free spirit; intellectual; musician; dog trainer. I'm GOOD at things but not GREAT at them. With a couple of notable exceptions, my interests change with the direction of the wind. I get into a thing and for months, maybe even years, I learn it, I practice it, I enjoy it and I feel like this is THE thing. Eventually, though, it gets discarded, either from being frustrated that I can't be better at it or because something else that was even shinier came along and distracted me.
Take my music preferences, for example. You know what I REALLY like?
Classical.
Opera.
Hip Hop.
Classic Rock.
Love Ballads
Acoustic Guitar
Americana
Folk
Reggae
Cajun
And yes, even country. Not just today's country, but classic western - Hank Williams, Loretta Lynn, Johnny ash.
I do this with groups too - I join, I try to fit in, sometimes I do, mostly I don't, but eventually I move on. I leave things behind. I stick my toe in many pools, but never jump in the water. My left foot's in the circle - but my right foot stays out.
I used to think this meant I didn't know who I was. I thought it meant I just wasn't good enough at anything. That I continually stopped short of the goal, shy of the commitment. That somehow I lacked something necessary to get where I was supposed to be going.
Maybe, though, I've been thinking about this the wrong way. Maybe its not that I don't know who I am, but that who I am is someone who just really, really likes a lot of very different things. Maybe its OK that I'm not incredibly talented at one really special thing but passably talented at a lot of different things. Perhaps this means I have the capacity to enjoy life on many different levels.
Maybe I'm not a fragmented person - maybe I'm just a whole person made up of a lot of really cool pieces.
