He doesn't sit still in class. He hides behind the door when the teacher asks her class to move to the reading rug. He takes the staples out of the stapler and pokes a little girl with them. He pretends to be sick so the school nurse will call me to come take him home.
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At the beginning of the ride, a mule in our group gets antsy and suddenly squirts sideways into the horses waiting to go through the gate. Like a small brown bowling ball, he scatters the other horses like pins. Bugs jumps ten feet sideways and tries to bolt. He is frightened of the mule now. He doesn't want it near him and keeps edging away from him as we head out on our ride.
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He goes two days at after care without an incident report or without someone having to be called to come get him. He grins as wide as the ocean when I tell him how proud I am of the way he controlled his behavior, and practically skips all the way to the car. He lights up when I tell him this means he has earned his toys back, and is so excited to play with them he chatters all the way home.
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He recovers from his initial scare and as we head up the road toward the first set of clues, he relaxes his neck and lets his head lower. He walks along nicely , not trying to break into a jog or trying to crowd out the other horses. He responds to my leg and seat cues and moves out at a brisk walk. His ears are forward and he starts to look content.
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His daycare provider sends home a report: He was scratching and kicking another child today. It wasn't bad enough for them to call me and come get him, but it was worth an incident report. His toys go back into timeout as he screams "NO!" at me and tells me "I HATE you!!" He spends the evening in timeout. I catch him swatting at the dog, who has done nothing more egregious than be in his presence. He screams at me, "GO AWAY!" when I ask him to use "nice hands" with the animals.
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My trail riding partner takes her horse Maggie over to the second clue in this set while I wait at the first clue so that we can get our bearing lines and find the intersection. To get to the second clue Maggie has to go over a slight rise. The moment she is out of sight he panics. I attempt to let him walk over to where she is, but he tries to trot, to run. I pull my "oh shit" rein a few times to get him stopped, but when he comes out of the last circle, he goes straight up. I am afraid we are going to go over backward, but he somehow regains his balance. He stands, shaking and breathing hard while I try to recover my composure and figure out the best next move.
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He spends the afternoon with his grandmother at my house. To pass the time, she picks up toys and puts things away, folds some laundry and sweeps my floors. As he sees her cleaning, of his own initiative, he goes to his own room and he cleans up every single toy from the floor and puts them in his toybox. I catch him sitting on the easy chair in the living room, our little cat on his lap. He is petting her and she is relaxed, purring and happy.
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As we try to regain some time on the other teams, we let the horses move out. Smoothly, he begins to trot. When I ask him to give me his nose, he breaks perfectly at the poll, and as I let the energy flow down into my seat, he begins to extend his trot, throwing his front feet forward while still remaining fluid and smooth, keeping his neck low and his nose pointed straight at the ground. It feels like perfection and I suppose it looks the same.
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Every day, we have a measure of success and a measure of failure. I know that life is a mixed bag, and that whenever we have a bad moment that doesn't mean that all is lost or that I should give up the battle. Keep looking for solutions. Don't give up on him. Try to have some patience and when you have to discipline, do something that makes doing the wrong thing hard and doing the right thing easy. Be positive, even when he isn't. Remember, we're not looking for perfection -- we're looking for progress. Celebrate every single win and make sure he knows how proud and thankful you are for his successes.
For every step back, we take another forward, maybe even two. Its all in the balance. If I don't lose sight of today because I'm too busy looking for the day when every day is good, I'll forget to notice the many beautiful moments that happen right in front of me.
