Years ago I dated an older man, whose favorite response to "How are you?" was, "Rolling like thunder down the road of life."
Five or six days ago, I think what I was doing was more of a crabwalk, and I've not quite hit "thundering", but at least I'm picking up speed. Rolling like...a Red Flyer wagon wheel, or maybe a big, rather odd-shaped rock that tumbles down a slope.
And so, amidst what seemed at first to be a very terrible week, there was a bright spot or two. The birthday of my daughter, the support of friends, the warm fur of my horses when I warm my cold hands under their manes on a cold morning. The sweet brown eyes of my dogs as they gaze at me in love. The warm weight of a cat who has taken my sitting down as an invitation to have a snooze on my lap.
If I am grateful for anything today it is that when life seems hardest to bear, when I begin to wallow in those thoughts of "I hate having to do all of this by myself" that I realize I am not by myself. In those times when I feel I just can't take one. more. step. -- He's there. It seems odd that struggles might be the best way to grow my faith, but its true. I'm not one of those people who believes that every difficulty we face in life is somehow placed there by God to teach us something. Oh sure, there are things we need to learn and perhaps there are times when that's the case, but I rather think that we have struggles and pain and misery and suffering because of the things we as human beings do to one another. But that no matter what the pain, now matter how many tears we may cry over it, that God sees our pain and hurts right along with us. That He loves me, and you, so very much that the simple fact that we have suffering breaks His heart. And when I think of what Christ endured, I feel somewhat ashamed of my suffering because it doesn't begin to equate with what agony it must have been for Him.
So there's gratitude.
Gratitude for other reminders; that my Mom is, always has been, and always will be the kind of mother who loves her children and feels that her job of providing band-aids for skinned knees doesn't end when we graduate from high school. In the absence of daycare and the necessity of still getting to the office for meetings and to accomplish my job during what is our busy season, my mom didn't wait to be asked for help, she cleared her schedule and pitched in by picking C up from school and getting A off the bus. She came to my house and folded laundry and did crafts with the kids and fed them lunches and snacks and dinners.
Gratitude for new things learned; that even though in my self-pity parties I often feel that I am the only person who is handling everything and being consumed with worry and anxiety over my child's struggles, that they have a father who worries about them every bit as much. Who will take C to his Doctor's appointment today because it was the only appointment we could get and I would like to make it to work again.
Gratitude that I have an employer who is flexible and who values families. A boss who says "Go do what you need to do."
I found a solution that I think will work; a mom who gave up half her family's income to be with her kids until they are in school full time, who has a sibling with issues just like my children, who in all ways appears calm, patient and who loves kids. Who, for what I can afford to pay, will pick my children up from school three days a week and alleviate the need for my struggling son to be in an aftercare environment that is chaotic and noisy and completely overstimulating and overwhelming for him. The first day he didn't have to go there he was so much better. Mom and I both thought he seemed relieved that he didn't have to go to group aftercare anymore.
We started an additional medication last Friday for the ADHD and we increased the dosage on his medication for Bipolar. The aggressive behavior tapered off significantly this week and he has gotten some good reports from school. He's still very active - overly so, and perhaps the second medication isn't quite the right one - but we are on the right track.
So we're rolling right along. Waiting for the next bump in the road, but I know we'll get over it when it inevitably appears.
