Barnmaven

What you think of me is none of my business

Really, its not.  So I continue to remind myself, with ever-increasing frequency.

The post about the incident with my nutsack-punching daughter garnered a lot of comments when BlogHer picked it up, so I was curious to see the reaction from a larger pool of perfect strangers when TodayMom's picked it up.  As I expected, it caused a stir. 

The biggest part of recovering from codependency for me has been to learn to see myself through my own eyes and not the eyes of others.  Other people are not mirrors of my self - not my partner, my parents, my children.  Other people are separate and discrete and while its affirming to have people agree with me, like me, its not realistic to expect that to be the case.  My sense of self-worth can't be dictated by public opinion, and the moment that it is I might as well slink back into the morass of codependent self-loathing that my life used to be.

So I'm not over there commenting back to the commenters on my post.   I did over at BlogHer where the forum was smaller, more select and more comfortable.  It is easy to have a discussion with people when even where the opinions differ, they are offered with a coating of respect.  We can talk about anything in the world as long as we remember, you and I, that we don't have to agree with one another.  What we need to keep in mind is that as human beings we have differences and similarities - we probably have many things in common - and that our opinions are shaped by our experiences.  Just because you have a different experience than I do doesn't mean we should not treat one another with dignity.

Ultimately, I'm not going to change anyone's mind with the things I blog about.  This isn't a political blog or an activist blog.  Its just me working on making the words come out and seeking to make sense of my life and my world.  Its an outlet for my particular creative drive.  Some people paint, some people make music, some people sew and knit and craft.  Some of us write.  Not for profit, not for a living, but simply to engage in the act of putting together words and sentences to set free a thought that is begging to be expressed.  I have no expectation that the thoughts I share here are going to be universally agreed upon, nor that they will, in contrast, be praised.  But I realize, more so today than ever, that when by placing my words and my thoughts in the public domain, I am inviting people to respond.  To affirm or to negate.

Over there, on the TodayMom's blog, I'm not responding to comments.  I'm letting the dialogue happen without me.  There are some thoughtfully written opinions over there, both for and against, and there are a large number of trolls.    About halfway through the day yesterday I discarded my curiosity about what was being said and I stopped reading.   Really, its all happening in a delightful cacophony of words and opinions that don't need my presence to pollute the water.  Its a big bucket full of what makes the internet such a fascinating place to inhabit. And considering that in the not long ago past I would likely be wringing my hands and letting the negative voices be the loudest voices I hear - and letting those voices dictate my state of mind and sense of self-worth - I realize how far I have come and how grateful I am for my recovery.  I'm able to just exist side by side with this controversy.  I realize that more than ever, I KNOW who I am.  I don't need other people to be mirrors of myself.  With the knowing that I am both perfect and imperfect, that I exist as a child of God, loved regardless of anything I or others might do or think, I can choose my level of engagement with the controversy based on what I feel and need, not on others expectations.  (Ouch, that was a long sentence).

The journey to release my fear so that I could stop trying to control others in order to cope with it has been, second to being a mother, the most amazing journey of my life. 

 

.....

 

Note:  While I don't have any editorial control over at BlogHer or at TodayMoms, I DO have editorial control here.  I have never moderated comments on this blog and I hope that will never be the case.  I delete comments from spammers, but to this point have never deleted a legitimate comment from a reader, positive or negative. I welcome dissenting opinion, provided it is delivered with respect. Trolls will not be ignored, they will be summarily dismissed and, if overly persistent, blocked, not because anything they say might hurt my feelings but because attack without the expectation of reasonable dialogue isn't useful.

 

Glee

Not the show.  MINE.

My post that Blogher syndicated has now been picked up by TodayMoms!!

Can someone come over and pick me up off the floor?

On a more serious note, there will be a lot of comments, both negative and positive.  I encourage respectful dialogue, but I'd love it if some of my readers would pop over there and drop their two cents in. 

Now I'm going back to jumping up and down and screaming. 

Oooh, you're entitled all right.

In the completely egocentric world of a six year old, there are things worth wishing your mother dead for.  Or so I hear.

In the last week I've heard "I hate you!"  "I wish I had a different mother!" and even, "I wish you were dead!"

The first two I often just shrug at.  I clamp down on the response that wants to be said on the really difficult days, because even though I'm not fond of my son's behavior when he's throwing these kind of "I want something and you're not giving it to me" tantrums, the last thing I ever want him to think is that I don't love him. So I simply say things like "You're entitled, I suppose," or "I know you're mad at me right now, but I still love you no matter what."  I figure somewhere down the road he'll be legitimately mad at me for one of the many mistakes I've made or will make as a parent, and I want him to know its OK to be mad and I probably deserve it -- but he should save the UNLIKE button for true blue parenting offenses.  Not the fact that I won't buy him a damn hot wheel every time we go to grocery shopping.

It can be something as little as the drive-through gave him a toy he didn't really want and I won't turn around and go ask them for a different one. Or that he didn't want to leave the activity he was doing as the sitter's and I made him go anyway because I was on a deadline to pick his sister up on time.  Or I don't give him a sugary snack that he's asked for, instead offering something along the lines of fruit or yogurt. 

I have to hand it to him, he is one stubborn kid.  Reminds me of myself in some ways. And I know this is  something that many kids go through.  I try not to overthink it.  But when your six year old, from the back seat of your car, says "I wish you were dead," as you're driving him home on an icy highway filled with 18-wheelers and farm equipment, it sort of takes you aback.  Actually, if you're me, it makes you cry a little bit.

I think parents of special needs often find themselves in a conundrum where we have to learn to separate what is simply normal childhood behavior and developmental change from behaviors that stem from the disorders.   Its hard sometimes to tell.  I'm afraid if I just chalk something up to normal development, then I'll fail to bring it up to the doctor and it turns out it was important.  But if I bring up every little thing that transpires, then I feel like I'm being overly concerned about minutiae.

I'm looking forward to the passing of this phase, if that's indeed what it is.  I know my daughter went through one similar, but I don't remember it being as bad as this or as prolonged.  Maybe its something like what we do mentally with childbirth - it sucks while its happening, but after its over we tend to forget some of the more unpleasant details in act of self-preservation.  We remember it as being better than it actually was, which is nature's way of ensuring we might be fooled into doing it again at some point in the future. 

This WILL pass, right?