Who doesn't like being right? Raise your hand. Right now. I want to know if there is anyone out there who doesn't like to be right.
Right.
Because we all want to be right. It starts young. My children already have fights to the death over the most inane topics, all because one of them wants to be right and thereby prove that ergo,the other one is WRONG. Sadly, the one-upmanship very often persists long past its usefulness.
I know people who are perfectly OK being wrong about some things, but with most people, if you try hard enough you'll find at least ONE subject where they will doggedly persist in the correctness of their position even in the odds of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
Its a fascinating concept, this battle over who's right and who's wrong. There are a billion things that are matters of fact and record, which makes it easy to identify the winner in many of these wrestling matches of certitude. But when it comes to people and emotions and situations, when perception is the only player in the game, all concrete wisdom flies straight out the window. Absent of the ability to actually read another person's thoughts, we must rely on a different set of tools.
I've noticed that the more time passes, the more I am willing to suspend judgment of intent. But I'll own right up to the fact that this is not always the case. Its a crazy-making thing, isn't it? Someone does something that has a negative impact or connotation to you. They forget to invite you to a meeting or a social event. They acquire something that you intended to buy or apply for the promotion you were trying to get. You make a pact or agreement with them and it turns out they can't (or won't) hold up their end of it.
What's your first assumption going to be?
They did it on purpose.
She KNEW I wanted that promotion and the only reason she applied for it was to spite me. He lied to me on purpose. They only got that expensive thing-a-ma-jig so they could make their friends feel jealous.
But we all know its not that simple.
Have you ever been cheated on in a relationship? I have. It sucks, doesn't it? I mean really, down to the bone, hurts like a someone's taken a motherfucking buzzsaw to your heart. And when you first find out, after your heart stops trying to jump out of your chest and you very carefully put down the baseball bat you found yourself carrying as you were marching up the sidewalk, the first thought in your mind is "How could s/he DO THIS TO ME?" As if the indiscretion actually had anything to do with you at all in the first place. Well, maybe it did, and maybe it didn't. In my experience, infidelity seems linked more to a problem with the perpetrator. Unless its a revenge thing, most people who cheat seem driven to do so by reasons they don't even understand. They're not thinking about you. In fact, they're working so hard to maintain denial about the moral slippery slope they're falling down, they try very hard not to think of you AT ALL. Infidelity is a selfish and self-serving act, and has little to do with whether someone really loves you or not.
Divorce is a situation where pain is unavoidable. Its simply not possible to take any step of any sort without causing pain to your former spouse. Intention to hurt may or may not exist -- but hurt is done, and the more hurt there is, the more bitter and angry people become. I'm in the middle of it now, and there's so much I'd like to say and can't, but I can promise you that it is painful, that it is bitter, that it is angry. It is a wandering line of suck that at times is unbearable and at other times thins to the point of being barely tolerable. I hurt him, he hurts me. I do something, he believes I'm only doing it to hurt him, he does something, I believe he's only doing it to hurt me. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not. Maybe he is and maybe he isn't. There's really no way to know who's right. I can judge by past history and the knowledge of a person that years together bring me, but I can't read his mind, nor can he mine.
All I can do is my best to be authentic and to do the right thing and not get sucked into bitter and angry. All I can do is try to remind myself that it might seem as though things are said or done with ill intent, maybe they're not. And all I can do is protect myself and my family and remember that even though things are bad, they could be so much worse. Remember that there is a history here, that even though I feel like I'm experiencing death by a thousand paper cuts, that it won't last forever. That I can swallow my bitterness and pain and focus on the things in life that are good and real and positive -- my kids tumbling up the sidewalk, coming home from time with dad to now spend a week with me; dinner and wine on a warm evening with good friends; strong arms of love that hold and support me when I need them; the love and support of family and friends; a bevy of wagging tails and horrid doggy breath waiting at the door for me; a long ride on a beautiful horse with a good friend.
You may think I do this or that simply to hurt you, but if you really believe that, you'd be wrong.
