They have so much power.
We can use them deliberately or carelessly. We can choose to be aware of their impact, use them with intent - to comfort, reassure, or even to hurt and destroy.
I'm as guilty as the next person. Sarcasm comes as naturally to me as blinking. I've been told, much to my chagrin, that sarcasm can be abusive when employed as a means of communicating with your partner. I look back at countless interactions with my ex and think of the times that I allowed myself to carelessly hurt him with my words, not necessarily deliberately, but simply because I didn't pay attention to what I said and how I said it. When we have been with someone a long time, when we know their strengths and their weaknesses, their hurts, their fears, their hopes and dreams, it is beyond easy to hurt them with our careless words. I think of times when I used hurtful words in place of talking about my feelings, assuming that striking out was the only way to be heard. It doesn't matter what your history is; it doesn't even really matter why I'm not good at expressing my feelings or talking about my needs. What does matter is that the way I approached things not only guaranteed I wouldn't get my needs met, but that I would hurt someone else in the process.
I'm working consciously at being responsible for my words. Talking to my children instead of issuing orders, giving them words to help illuminate understanding as an alternative to simply getting them to do what I ask without helping them know why. Asking for what I want in my relationship, but not in a way that implies or assumes I won't get it. Asking with respect and careful intent.
A couple of days ago, SG, with my very capable assistance, delivered a load of furniture and household goods to his ex. He did this at his own expense, because he's just that kind of a good guy. After two days and 750 miles, I was looking forward, if a little apprehensively, to meeting someone who was an important part of his life. I was not prepared, though, for the amount of effort it would take for me to bite my tongue for the better part of two hours as the little barbs were continually aimed and set loose.
"She doesn't mean it."
"Its just the way she is."
"She's joking."
No, she's not joking. Yes, she does mean it. And no, its not acceptable.
Their relationship is not my business. Creating further conflict between them is not something I have any desire or right to do. But sitting back and simply allowing someone I care deeply about to be verbally trashed in front of me is also something I cannot stomach. I chose my words carefully. I am certain she didn't appreciate what I said, but that's not my concern. I know for certain that S appreciated what I said, and for at least the rest of my stint as day laborer moving another woman's furniture, no more stinging sarcasm was directed at him.
We need to be more careful about how we talk to people. I watch the level of public discourse slide inexorably into the sewers. I see a political climate where politicians and pundits no longer debate the issues, they take verbal body shots at their opponents. I see it in interpersonal relationships, at work and at home, where people take another person's regard, friendship, or love so much for granted that they no longer take any care to consider the words they use and what they mean.
There is always room for camaraderie and joking. Sarcasm can be really funny - but we need to be careful that we are not using sarcasm to deflect real communication with our partner. If we have an issue, a resentment, a problem, we need to deal with that in an honest and loving way. Using backhanded humor isn't a very good way of solving a problem, and in my experience, people stop really hearing you when you abuse them with your words.
Apropos of nothing, I'm returning home tomorrow from a very lovely drive up the 101 with a most agreeable traveling companion.
In 2007 John Shore posted a blog piece entitled Six Tests to Determine if He's Mr. Right. In the last six months, we've covered pretty much every one of these with the exception of test #2: Go on a cross-country drive with him. We return home tomorrow from taking a leisurely drive up the California and Oregon coastlines, and I can say without hesitation, we've passed with flying colors.
