It feels like I'm getting ready for a garage sale.
More than two years after my ex and I split, we finally reached a settlement. Which means the list of things that we agreed on would stay with me and go with him - the things he didn't take when he moved and are still occupying space or even serving a purpose in my house - now need to be ready for him to come and collect. Everything's going into the garage, and sometime in the next 30-odd days I will be able once again to use my garage for its intended purpose.
I had already started getting things ready to go, but now there's an actual deadline and I've only got an extra pair of hands for another week, as SG's next contract (which was supposed to start in October) got moved up and he has to leave now. Yesterday was dresser day, which meant moving everything out of the bedroom dresser onto the bed, and everything out of the dresser in my daughter's room onto her bed, hauling the dresser from my room into the garage, moving the dresser from her room into mine and moving the dresser from the spare bedroom into her room and then putting everything back into drawers.
It was an opportunity to go through both her clothes and mine and put some things aside for donation. The best part, though, was throwing away almost everything that's fallen behind my dresser over the last four years, because frankly, if its been down there for that long and I didn't need it badly enough to dig it out or notice it was gone, I didn't really need it in the first place.
I'm making the most of the grill while I still have it, and when the piano goes I will feel truly bereft, but the fact remains that these are just things and nothing more. Things can be replaced. Material things are not always necessary for life. Other than my children, though, the household goods are the final tangible reminder that this was once a marriage.
I've waited so long for the finality of this that it doesn't even seem like its happening. We've gone through so many iterations of getting along, not getting along, tolerating one another, being angry, being sad, being fine and being not OK. Even though we both moved on, the weight of the final agreement just hung there between us like an enormous carryall weighted down with rocks. I wasn't sure it would ever come to rest safely on the ground, but it has and now we can go forward with what I hope is the hardest part behind us.
Divorce is painful. Yes, hello, UNDERSTATEMENT. Divorce with kids even when we have tried to be amicable has been like having skin peeled off. In a perfect world we would never be angry with one another, we would never say anything to the other person that we later regretted, we would never be constantly conscious that until the decree is done anything we say or do might be used against us. Oh, I have lived the reality of the imperfect world. I have lived it gloriously.
It has always been important to me to do the right thing for my children and for myself, and yes, even my ex, but I'm only human. I've written things here in frustration and anger that in retrospect might not have been the best idea at the time. I've been upset about something and not been successful at hiding it from my children. There've been times when I started a conversation when it would have been better to wait and ended up losing my temper and saying things that were not helpful or kind.
In the end, I've learned a few things.
I've learned that it is possible to set feelings and issues aside and speak amicably about matters of importance regarding your children.
I've learned that nothing really needs to be solved right this minute.
I've learned that your children hear and see much more than you think they do.
I've learned that what you think your children are feeling and thinking about your divorce doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of what they are really going through.
I've learned that other people don't see you the way you see yourself.
I've learned that even if you think you can't afford it, even if you think you can do this without one, even if you think it makes you look like the bad guy, get a lawyer. People say things they don't mean all the time. People agree to things they have no intention of honoring. Don't get blindsided. Get someone who will let you know when you're making a bad decision, get someone who will stand up for you and who knows what your rights are. Get someone who is used to doing this for a living. I've seen some people who are extremely smart and capable get tripped up in the divorce process because there are inner workings of the court system that they, as a non-lawyer,had NO idea existed. Those are the things that will end up costing you money or dignity or worse.
I've learned that I can live on less that I thought I could and that things I used to think were important aren't necessary at all.
I've learned to choose more wisely.
I've learned to be more open and honest in my relationships with others, particularly with my partner. Silence kills relationships. So does being mean. Say what you need to say, but remember that the person on the receiving end of your words has feelings too.
I've learned that just because I failed once at marriage doesn't mean I'm not capable of having a successful relationship.
I've been reminded that I am blessed with family and friends who are amazing and loving and supportive. I have so much gratitude for them and for all they have done to walk with me on this bumpy path.
The ending of one part of your life opens possibilities you didn't even know existed. Don't be afraid to go through the painful part; there will be something for you on the other side that will make it all worth it.
