Sometimes even people who are deeply in love with one another get out of sync. I need something he can't give, we don't connect, we misunderstand, we slither into our respective holes and peer out through the water dripping from the eaves in search of some semblance of nonexistent sunlight. If its just one of us crawling in the muck and the other is content to make space for it, that's well and fine, but if we're both mired in it at the same time, its a perfect storm of misery and misunderstanding. When those days are upon us, its not much fun. When those days are upon us and there are several states and miles between us, pull up your beanbag chair and pop up some popcorn. Fireworks start at dusk.
I think maybe the purpose of past relationships is to act out the stuff that didn't work and mold it into new shapes and try it again on someone completely different. Sometimes we expect the outcomes to be the same, like when I do something totally selfish and self-centered and I think "God, he's going to hate me/yell at me/pout for a week for this" and I get a quizzical look and a kiss instead.
Or when he crawls around in the throes of his ongoing midlife crisis and thinks nothing can ever work out between us in the long run because he hasn't yet accomplished his true calling in life and there's no way anyone could accept him taking time to pursue that calling.
So I ask him, what is it you want to do? Move to Honduras and start dealing small arms on the black market? Rob banks for a living? Deal heroin? Kill puppies? I mean, if you're planning on digging a hole in the backyard and then boarding over the top and disguising it with roll-on grass in order to kidnap neighborhood children and harvest their organs for the black market, you can bet your bippy I'm NOT ON BOARD WITH THAT.
Men are dumb People in relationships can find it easy to misjudge their partner's depth of acceptance sometimes, particularly when experiences from their past obscure their vision of the present.
Relationships should be what free you to seek out your goals and dreams. The person who loves you is the one to cheer you on, either at your side or from the sidelines, as you accomplish the things that make you who you are. Relationships don't define who we are, they give voice to our reality. Relationships aren't anchors that drag us underwater until we can't breathe, and if yours does? That may not be the right person to be in a relationship with. It is a fairy tale world we live in if people think they can't be with someone and still have the freedom and compassion and love and support to become their potential.
It is wrong to raise our children to believe that love means giving up your dreams or discouraging someone else from chasing theirs just because you can't stand for them to like doing anything that doesn't involve you. A couple of decades ago the people that like to sell us stuff by convincing us that no matter what we're doing right now we're using the wrong product, we're too fat, we don't wear the right brand of clothes/makeup/jewelry/deodorant, etcetera to the ad nauseum, created this vision of relationships where the little woman stays home and the other spouse has to go do the 60-hour work week thing so that the little woman can raise the babies and put steak and potatoes on the table each night and mix her man a martini. The 1950's portrayal of the "nuclear family" simply created a society which glorified and embraced a codependent model of existence. Women need their men to survive, to be happy. Men can't be happy unless their wives are busy being beautiful and perfect. If I'm not happy it must be because my laundry detergent isn't getting his shirts white enough. If I'm unhappy its because my wife doesn't cook the perfect pot roast and she won't wear high heels while she's mixing my martini.
BULL.
SHIT.
So now that we've got all that straightened out?
I don't require constant attention from a man in order to feel real. I am - we all are - self-actualized. I can pursue my goals and dreams and be supportive of my partner pursuing his own, even if sometimes those pursuits might mean we are sacrificing some time together for a few weeks or months. This isn't even about compromising, because I am not compromising my deepest beliefs and needs in order to support my partner. I'm EXPRESSING THEM by being loving, compassionate and supportive while simultaneously being capable, happy and caring for my self.
Whenever I've spent the time and money to go pursue the things that make me happy, you've never been anything but pleased for me, doing what you could to make sure I got the time and space to do the things that are important to me. Why would I do anything less for you?
Spread your wings and fly, babe. I'll take care of ground support.
