
In a way it feels a little Jerry-Springer-esque, having started a new relationship before the ink on the divorce papers had even been applied, much less dried. There was no doubt in my mind that I was free to pursue a new relationship. That I hadn't filed for divorce more than a year post-separation was a simple matter of procrastination on my part and had nothing to do with trying keep the door to a reconciliation wedged open.
Falling in love with SG and then divorcing my ex caused some difficulty.
Yes, it might be strange talking about my divorce the day before my wedding, but there is a point (sort of) to this, so bear with me.
Being in the middle of both a new relationship and a divorce whilst being a blogger is extremely problematic. When it comes to our commitment as parents, my ex and I were, and are, on the same page. We love them, we value our parenting time with them, and we are partners in raising them. We will attend school conferences and IEP meetings together. We will discuss doctors and medication. We will talk about problems they are having. Never has this been an issue, and I don't expect that it ever really will be. We won't use them as weapons and we won't engage in sowing ugly thoughts about each other to them. But when it came to everything else, all bets were off. Things I thought we had agreed to about financial terms and division of belongings went straight out the door. I read through some of the paperwork in outright shock. And I realized very quickly that anything I said here - or anywhere else - would be used against me. And it was.
Even though I believe at some level we still have concern about each other's welfare and we each hope that the other is happy (at least I assume that's how he feels -- its entirely possible he just wishes I would get a flaming and fatal case of hemhorroids/herpes/syphilis), we lack the level of trust required to have a friendship. We are not friends. We are partners in parenting our children.
And so the crux of this post:
When SG and I became serious enough for me to decide it was time for him to meet my children, I let my ex know ahead of time that I was seeing someone and I was planning on introducing him to the kids. He specifically asked me to tell him what day they would meet him so that he could be prepared to support them. He also thought it was too soon for them to know that I had a boyfriend, and so we had to agree to disagree. I knew that this relationship was a long term bet and the longer we tried to keep it secret, the more we risked my children finding out in a way that maybe we wouldn't be happy about.
I had some assumptions about post-divorce relationships. I assumed I should inform my ex if I was introducing someone to our children -- I did. I also assumed that he would do the same if he was introducing someone to our kids. He did no such thing. My children were spending weekends hundreds of miles away at his girlfriend's house - a girlfriend I had no idea existed.
Then there's the concept of meeting your ex's new boy- or girl-friend. In the almost eight months since I told my ex about my relationship he has consistently refused to meet SG. He has also consistently refused my requests to be introduced to his girlfriend.
While I can't force him to do either thing, I disagree strongly with him on both counts. I'm a parent who cares deeply about the welfare of my children. Therefore I believe it is more than worth my time to meet and get to know a little bit about any adult who will have a supervisory role in their lives. I assume - apparently mistakenly - that any parent would feel the same way.
And so.
Once we started telling people about getting married this week, I have been asked over and over, "What does your ex think?" And my answer?
I haven't told him.
I haven't told him for several reasons. Do I think it matters to him? Do I think he wants to know?
No. His complete lack of interest in meeting SG and his complete refusal to share any information about the woman whose house my children are sleeping in every other weekend naturally inform this conclusion. I'm not trying to be spiteful or to "get back" at him. I'm simply honoring the structure of complete silence and non-acknowledgement that he has shown me he wishes to have.
But do I owe it to him?
The thing is, I'm not sure I'm taking the right stance. Does he deserve to know, even if I don't think he deserves to be told? Does he deserve to know even if he not once has extended the same courtesy of information to me? Is it better for my kids for him to know? Worse?
I suspect he already knows, and he hasn't said a word about it. Maybe that's all the answer I need.
I wish things were different.
So I sit here, plucking proverbial petals off of a daisy, and I ponder. Should I? Should I not?