In respect to the issue that prompted my last post:
I directly approached someone who crossed a personal boundary and asked them to be more considerate in the future.
I received a response in which I was told that they would, but that I should "lighten up."
I'm sorry, did you hear me giggle? I giggled. And I politely responded: "You don't get to set my boundaries for me. Thank you for [doing what I asked.]
See, here's the thing. I get to decide what I will put up with and what I won't. I certainly can't force other people to respect my boundaries, nor would I want to. But no one can decide for me what those boundaries are. I'm old enough and wise enough to be able to determine what is acceptable to me and what is not. Its not as if I'm going to punish someone for crossing lines, that's not my job. There's no implicit threat of retaliation. Its a simple request: Please don't do that in the future because I find it unacceptable. The offender is free to continue to offend or not; that's really irrelevant to me. I've called them out on something and I'll continue to do so if its warranted. By the same token, I'm perfectly happy to let bygones be bygones and treat others with the same respect I expect them to give to me.
I didn't used to be good at boundaries. I was married for almost ten years to someone who pooh-poohed my boundaries around a couple of issues. No matter how I tried to explain that I was really uncomfortable with these issues, all I got in response was "you're being silly." "It's really not that bad." "You don't understand." I got shamed, blamed, and for a long time I tried to ignore what my heart and my mind told me for the sake of keeping peace. It sucked ASS. It hurt me. It hurt our relationship.
I know better now.
When my heart and my mind tell me something is not okay, I'm going to sit down with that feeling and examine it. I'm either going to understand why situation x is not okay with me, or I'm going to resolve my feelings around it so that it doesn't cause me a terrible amount of angst. I'm willing to consider that I might overreact to some things based on my personal experience and history, but I'm also fully capable of understanding and verbalizing what things are not acceptable to me.
I frankly don't give two shits if you think I'm being silly or if you feel compelled to tell me to "lighten up." You don't get to set my boundaries for me. I'm old enough, wise enough and comfortable enough in my own skin to determine what passes for acceptable treatment of me and my family. If you cross a line, don't waste your breath trying to shame me for your trespass. I don't play that game and neither should you.
