Barnmaven

Getting them unplugged

 

Saturday morning started out much like most every other Saturday morning when the kids are at my house.  By 6 am one or the other of them is at my bedroom door asking whose turn it is to get on the computer.  I randomly choose one of them and try to sleep for a few more minutes through the cacophony of disappointment and victory.  I drag myself out of bed, search for my eyeglasses and stub my toe walking down the hall to make coffee.

Fall has finally hit us here in the interior of Washington State, and this weekend had a forecast that called for staying home in ones' PJ's.  The arrival of fall also means that the available hours of daylight to get on my horse are dwindling.  So, despite the dire weather reports, I made plans to go to my friend's place.  She has a lovely covered arena and we decided that if it rained we could practice for the schooling show this weekend, and if it didn't rain, we could go out on the trails that lead from her place out along the Oregon side of the Columbia River.  SG and her partner get along quite well so we packed lunch items and some wine and decided to make a good half-day of it.

Getting horses fed and the trailer hooked up and loaded is always the easy part.  Getting my kids out of the house requires earplugs, a cattle prod and kevlar protective wear.

"I don't WANT to go!" my daughter cried, stamping her feet.  "I want to stay home and play Animal Jam!"  "NOOOOOOOO!" my son screams as I instruct him to end his Wii game. 

Their protests, though heartfelt, don't move me.  There are going to be plenty of inclement weather days this winter for them to turn into screen-watching slugs.  Bugs is already starting to grow his winter coat which leads me to believe we are in for a cold, icy November.  For now, I intend for my children to be outside as much as possible, even if I have to force them.

Once we got to Julie's, they forgot all about their games at home.  Ted had a burn pile going over by the pig pens and they couldn't get out of the truck fast enough.  They scrambled like puppies down to watch the flames, and for the next couple of hours I didn't hear one single whine, complaint or "I have nothing to DOOOOOOO".

They got to see the big 700 pound sow and her piglets and touch the noses of the weaner pigs.  They "helped" Ted do chores and played with the 6 year old son of the lovely young lady who trains horses at Julie's.  They got dirty and wet and generally had a wonderful time.  

SG got to hang out with Ted and make plans for butchering a pig next week (hel-LO Bacon!).  I not only got to ride my horse in the arena but on the trail as well when the rain gave us a nice intermission and we scurried out to the trailhead.  Just about the time we got back the wind started to pick up and big raindrops splattered my back. 

I guess we all got to unplug a little bit.  It was nice.

Two voices, one direction

Race Car Man didn't make it an hour at school today when we got the call he needed to be picked up.

I've gotten a lot better about not feeling completely and panicked when this happens, but even though I'm much more composed, I'm still disheartened and frustrated.  Three times since our meeting now he has had to be picked up from school, and other days the only reason he's managed to make a whole day at school was because his dad was in the classroom helping.  

This morning it was that he forgot to bring his MP3 player, which  he uses on the bus as a tool to help him not worry about other students and whatever they might be doing.  

I'm just not sure what the right placement is for my son.  His school seems completely  unequipped to deal with him, but the only other option within our district is a class for students with behavioral issues.  Yes, he has behavioral issues, but he also has autism and from talking to teachers and our therapist, who is aware of the classroom, we really believe it would be an even bigger detriment to him to place him there.  Which leaves us exactly where we've been since he started Kindergarten:  We have a smart student with a lot of issues who is unsuccessful in a classroom situation without a lot of individual support.  We have a school district who thus far isn't offering the kind of support we all (including his teacher and the administrators at his school) believe he needs in order to stay at that school and access learning in his current classroom.  

I have two inner voices.  One is all doom and gloom and whispers to me of terrible outcomes, of a child becoming an adult who is completely unprepared for the outside world. Who is still living in my basement and dependent on me and not living a fulfilling life with a job he loves and friends of his own and maybe even a wife and kids.  That he will never blossom or grow or get the chance to show the world how amazing he really is because I've failed thus far at figuring out how his puzzle pieces fit together. 

The other voice tells me that everything is going to be fine, we will solve this and we will get there.  I just don't know today, at this moment, how exactly that is going to happen.  And I have to be OK with that because there's nothing I can do at this moment to alter the situation.  I have made my call to the Director of Special Services.  I have spoken to (argued with) my husband.  I've spoken with my son's father.   We have a therapy appointment already lined up.  We are doing what we can and I have to put a brake on myself not to start getting ramped up and upset and making a thousand useless phone calls that won't do a damn thing to change the fact that probably there is no miracle solution to all of this.  That the long term change will happen if we just keep plugging away at it, working on the solution to the puzzle that is Race Car Man.  That answers will come to us that we haven't thought of yet. That ultimately, I can't even worry about the future because the only day that counts is today, and even if today didn't start off well I can still change it.

If I have to choose only one voice to hear, then by all means, let it be the one that points to a better place.

When I let myself live in the present I find that even though things might not be going well right now, my circumstances WILL change and I have the power to influence which way they go.

 

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Race Car Man came a long way last summer.  We took him off the ADHD meds and noticed a significant reduction in his anxiety and sensory issues.  When the school year rolled around, his dad and I agreed together that we would start the year without resuming the ADHD meds and see how it went.  Needless to say, his teacher was less than thrilled, but we went ahead.  She reported an increase in distraction, but he also seems to take way less time to change his behavior when things aren't going well.  

She's seen, though, a marked change from pretty good behavior and attention span right about the 11:00 mark every day.  We knew we needed to add afternoon medication, but when he had his psych appointment on Thursday my ex and I stood firm in our belief that he needs to stay off the ADHD meds.  Not only do we not want to lose the 10 lb weight gain he had over the summer, but we also feel that the behaviors his teacher is chalking up to "distraction" are just as easily caused by anxiety and sensory overload.  One of the things I love about our psychiatrist is that he listens to us.  He agreed.  He did add an afternoon dose of the other two meds, which we expected and are fine with.

The last couple of weeks have been awesome in terms of reinforcing the need for an aide - he's had issues almost every day.  Nothing yet as bad as our worst days last year, but still some tough days.  On the days my ex spends in his classroom he has a constant challenge helping Race Car Man make good choices and participate in class activities.

This year one change is that Race Car Man fills out his own schedule for the day.  For each part of his schedule he chooses a reward, and then he must earn more "smiles" than "frowns" for the individual components of the activity.  Last week, almost the entire week, was straight down the shitter.  He didn't want to participate, cooperate, communicate or reciprocate.  He just wanted what he wanted and damn the schedule.  Then on Friday he pulled himself together and had his most spectacular day at school so far.  He filled out his schedule.  He got smiley faces on all of his activity components and earned all his chosen rewards.  He got along with his classmates.  He shone!

Monday it was back to the same-old shenanigans, yesterday too.  

His great day on Friday lets me know how much he is capable of.  His rough days afterward tell me how much of a toll it takes on him to do that much.  

We'll just keep plugging along, I guess.  We have our followup IEP team meeting a week from Monday to find out if the district is going to follow through with an aide for him.  Cross things, people.  Cross things.

 

A (sort of) love story, in pictures

Juliet loves Roscoe.   He isn't her Romeo, but he is her third-favorite pillow after Amazon Girl's lap and mine.

He's not the love of her life nor she his, but they do share a sweet, special kind of relationship.  

The Nap Dance usually follows the same format.

1.  Roscoe finds a cozy place to take his afternoon siesta, usually the couch, or like today, the easy chair that used to belong to SG's Grandma Lois.  Juliet, searching for her own cozy place, spies the object of her affection.

2.  She approaches carefully, checking to make sure he isn't averse to her affections:

3.  Once it appears he accepts her affections, she gives him a nice back massage as a thank-you:

4.  Massage complete, now its time for siesta!

What is this "fighting like cats and dogs" of which you speak?

Saying the right things

I was talking with a friend about how you know you've met the right person.

She related a conversation she'd had with a potential new love interest.  She'd asked a pointed sex-related question and had just loved his response.  "It was the absolute perfect answer!"

I think back to when SG and I were dating.  There were a ton of those moments, and there still are.  When you're having a conversation and questions come up - big questions, small questions, silly questions, serious - the answer given can either remind you why this person is the yin to your yang or give you pause about whether you were possibly drunk when you decided to commit.

The interesting thing about it, at least to me, is that where those answers come from tell you as much about your relationship as the answers themselves.

The perfect answer when its spontaneous and unfiltered is a heady thing.  Its confirmation that you are compatible.  You mesh in ways that make communication easy because in some important areas you believe in the same things.  Those answers are the answers that tell you your partner will be reliable in an emergency, that he'll pick the right things to take out of a burning house, that when faced with a deadline and a choice of Valentine's Day presents he'll bring home the one you'll like best.

But there's an even better perfect answer.  

The best perfect answer is the one that comes from a place of having gotten to know each other deeply.  Its the answer that you will get from someone who understands you, cares about you, respects you.  Its the answer that isn't off the cuff, the one where he pauses for a moment and carefully considers his words, then delivers a remark or phrase that lets you know he understands what is important to you.  Maybe he's pulling verbal punches or maybe he's stretching an unimportant truth to please you.  Maybe he's backing away from an emotionl reaction in order to meet you in a better place.  I'm not sure it matters why so much as it matters that it happens.

There are times when I don't get the perfect answer.  Sometimes the answer is good enough, sometimes its something I choose to ignore, because you know what in any relationship you aren't likely to be in harmony all of the time.  Sometimes its an answer that stings a little bit and you respond in kind.  But in the whole, when the perfect answer is there more than its not, when love and care for you shine in the words he speaks and the look in his eyes as he speaks them, you'll know.  This is the one.

Never forget, though - perfect answers work both ways.  Be as generous in giving them as you are grateful to receive them.  Your perfect match deserves to hear them.

This week should end and quickly

This week has been a long one and I am hoping that by saying I am glad to see it be over that I am not also simultaneously cursing all of us and causing next week to be somehow worse.

The only place that seemed truly safe and sane was home, where it was just SG and me, the kids having been with their dad all week.

I don't really talk much about work here and that's not going to change.  Speaking in generalities, though, CRAZY WEEK.  So many metaphorical fires to put out!  

It was the second week back at school for the kids.  This is a big year for both of them; Amazon Girl started middle school.  For the first time in three years the kids are in separate schools.  I know this is simultaneously scary and tremendously freeing for both of them.  They love each other so much, even with all the fighting they do.  Race Car Man has always had his big sister there to depend on and now he's learning to be in the world on his own.  Amazon Girl has always felt the need to look out for her little brother.  This year she gets to worry about herself and I know that's a big weight off of her.

Both kids have had their challenges already, only two weeks into the school year.  

Race Car Man has had a combination of great/bad/OK/good/terrible days.  There's no pattern with that one.  It would be great if we could predict with any certainty what kind of challenges he is going to have; that way his teacher and classroom aides could at least have an idea of just how much wine they were going to need (or not) at the end of a given day! 

Last year at two of his IEP meetings I brought up the thought that he may need an aide who is primarily dedicated to helping him but who could assist his teachers when he was coping OK.  His teacher was for the idea but no one else seemed to want to pursue it.  

On the third day of school I ended up writing a letter to the district formally requesting an aide.  

I am very pleased that I received a phone call very quickly from the Director of Special Services and we have a meeting set up for Monday.  

Amazon Girl has had different challenges.  

To add some historical context:  In the third grade a boy in her class fixated on her for some reason.   His obsession expressed itself in constant teasing, poking, touching.  She finally complained to me about it and I brought it to the attention of her teacher and school administrators.  They observed, confirmed, and promised to keep an eye on things.  Eventually he escalated to pushing, yelling and finally hurting her.  The day he bent her hand back so hard we had to have her wrist x-rayed was the day I went a little ballistic with the school, and the other student was disciplined.  They put my daughter in a different classroom, which I was not happy with but they were separated.  Ultimately we ended up moving her to another school, not because of this boy but so that she and her brother would be at the same school after he was placed in his special ed classroom.

Fast forward to sixth grade.  The middle school she now attends has students from several elementary schools in the district, including her old school.  Guess who also happens to be at her new school?  He is not in her homeroom classes, but he ended up in the same rotation for the last class of the day -- Health/PE.  Apparently he started right back in with the verbal harassment, which I wasn't aware of.  But on Wednesday he crossed the line.  As she was walking out of her health class, he shoved her from behind, so hard that she slammed into the metal guardrail of the portable walkway.  Her stomach was still hurting the next morning.  She didn't tell any adults at school, but met her father in the parking lot and after telling him what happened, called me at work to let me know as well.

My ex and I went together to the school at 7 am the following morning and filed a complaint.  The complaint was taken seriously, the boy was interviewed.  Amazon Girl texted me later that she had met with the principal and told that the boy was being transferred to a different afternoon rotation so that she would not be in class with him.  

I am very hopeful that this is the end of the problem.  If he touches or harasses her further we will be contacting the police.  I suspect that there are things going on with this kid that I couldn't possibly know about, and I have sympathy for that, but he can't be allowed to hurt my child and cause her to be scared to go to school.  

I've told my daughter to find an adult right away if he comes near her or speaks to her.  But I've also told her that if she can't find any other help and can't get away from him that she should defend herself.  

Right now she's happy because she doesn't have to be in class with him; we can only hope that this is the end of it.  

It hasn't been a total wash, though.  My stepson Josh finished his Navy flight school testing and has been accepted to fly jets!  He's moving to Mississippi later this month.  Before he does that he gets to go to Texas to do this test where they put him on a centrifuge and spin him both with his pressure suit and without until he passes out.  I am told this is to measure his G-force tolerance.  Personally I just think the military gets its rocks off on making people incredibly dizzy.  After that he takes a short vacation in Hawaii and I am also told I am not allowed to hitch a ride in his suitcase.  On a very sincere note, his mom and dad and all of the rest of us are incredibly proud of his accomplishments.  Congratulations, Josh.  You are a terrific young man and I believe you really can do anything you set your intentions toward.

As for the rest of it, I would just like to know what it is that I could possibly say or do that for Pete's sake would convince the universe to let us have a whole lot of nothing happening the rest of the school year.  I'm open to suggestions.