I don't know what to write here anymore.
I lost my mojo. I lost my will. I have things to say, but fear this is not the place. I have truths to share but I cannot share them without hurting other people, so I hold them inside. I have learned things about love, life, work, relationships, things I want to share but risk exposing myself and others in uncomfortable ways. I have stories about my kids but realize as they grow older that their stories are not mine to tell. I I am not ready to give this space up, yet, and so I will work on finding the right words with which to fill it.
Today:
I am on a journey in a landscape I could never have dreamed of as a child - as a parent, as a professional, as a partner and as a human being. I'm living in a balance between extremes - I feel I've accomplished everything and nothing all at the same time. I'm stuck in the churn of the waves washing up on the shore, tumbling about and never sure which way leads to the sky and air and which way leads to the rocks.
One of the most interesting things I've learned lately is that I'm happy. I really am happy. I'm also unbearably sad. And strangely I can feel both of those things at the same time, comfortably. Somewhere along the way I must have improved my coping skills.
I'm happy because I am loved and I am surrounded by people I love. I'm happy in my lifes' circumstances, with my family and my friends, my horses and my farm, my job, my faith and my lifestyle. I'm blessed richly and I know that I had better enjoy all of the goodness this life contains because it could change on the flip of a coin.
I'm sad because life is so often sad, because people I care about have problems I can't fix, because like everyone I've suffered losses and miss those loved ones so, because sometimes my own circumstances can be as challenging as they are beautiful. For instance: SG will leave sometime in the next ten days and won't return until the end of the year. Right now it feels a little overwhelming, but I know that this is not a bad thing, its just a thing. For SG its a wonderful thing because he will be working and making money and that makes him feel good and safe, feel like he is providing for us. For me it means a little more heavy lifting but I have good support and I'll be OK. We'll both be lonely; it won't kill us. He will most likely be able to come home for a couple of long weekends and I suppose I'll be spending some of my vacation days to go catch a gander at the east end of Nebraska.
It makes me both happy and sad - happy for my husband because he is happy. Sad for being alone when I have such a great husband and friend to share time with. Happy to have time to myself to do things that only I enjoy the doing of. Sad to think of weekends, special days, family moments without an important part of our little family with us. Happy to know I have a great relationship that can withstand long separations. Sad to know I have a great relationship in which long separations are part of the deal.
This is my life today.
Thanks, God, for this wonderful life.
